


Summer Reflection

by NanakiBH



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Established Relationship, Field Trip, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Melancholy, Romance, Spoilers, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 09:04:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10896117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanakiBH/pseuds/NanakiBH
Summary: Your fingerprints are left behind on every life you touch.





	Summer Reflection

**Author's Note:**

> This one takes place during the class trip, so there are some minor spoilers up to 9/12. Since the game wouldn't let me go on a beach date with Yusuke, I made it happen myself.

Their class trip to Hawaii was supposed to be a valuable experience. For many of them, it was the first time they had ever been outside the country. It was a chance to experience another culture, to get a taste of life in a different place.

But, so far, it was just...

Uncomfortable.

Akira wasn't a fan. It wasn't his fault. On their way over, he read a travel magazine and made mental note of all the things he would enjoy doing during their time in Hawaii. He knew that a lot of his time would end up being spent with the class, but he was hoping that he could accomplish a few of the things that interested him.

That didn't happen.

Maybe his expectations had been too high. He practically knew what would happen from the start, but he'd just been hoping...

He didn't mind spending time with his friends. That was obviously preferable to spending time with the other people in their class who he rarely spoke to. (If pressed, he wasn't sure he'd even be able to name them all. Ann was the one who sat in front of him in class, then there was That Kid Who Sat Behind Him and That Other Kid Who Sat Next To Him.) 

He just didn't expect the majority of his time to be spent with Ryuji and Mishima. It was kind of stifling.

They were both great guys.

Really.

Akira had to keep reminding himself of that, though, otherwise he may have been tempted to 'accidentally' push them both into the ocean.

Day and night for the entire trip, he had to listen to Mishima talk about the Phan-Site. The work he was doing for the Phantom Thieves was well appreciated, but, after listening to him talk about it for a full hour before bed, his enthusiasm started to feel overbearing. It was almost like Mishima was doing it for himself and was pathetically trying to seek his approval...

All things considered, Kawakami-sensei was one of his greatest allies, but Akira wasn't sure he could forgive her for making him share a room with that.

And then there was Ryuji who was seriously making him reconsider their friendship.

Although he'd been disappointed to discover Ryuji's less than tactful side, Akira had come to accept it as a part of who Ryuji was. His offensiveness was even endearing at times. He was just a regular high school boy, after all. His carefree attitude and passionate pursuit of women far out of his league were sometimes refreshing – even entertaining.

But Akira didn't want to get involved with that. That was Ryuji's thing.

Unfortunately, Akira couldn't think of any polite-sounding way to tell him that his chauvinism was embarrassing, so he had to follow him around the beach and humor him while he and Mishima attempted to pick up American girls.

He was too nice...

Even when he couldn't stand them, Akira couldn't bring himself to say anything.

It was a good thing he had someone there who could help him keep his sanity. It was unfortunate that the Kosei students hadn't been able to make it to Los Angeles for their class trip, but Akira was secretly grateful to have Yusuke with him. Somehow, Yusuke was impervious to Ryuji's antics. No matter what nonsense he tried to drag them into, Yusuke always managed to keep a level head. Or... It could have been because he was living in his own world. Either way – that calm and relaxing quality of his made him easy to be around.

Compared to when they met, things between them had really changed. Looking back, Akira felt ashamed of himself for having judged him so critically. Yusuke wasn't like anyone he'd ever met. Aside from Hifumi, he didn't know what the other students from Kosei were like. Akira couldn't imagine someone like Yusuke fitting in at Shujin, but he also doubted that anyone else at Kosei was quite like him.

Yusuke said that the students there frequently avoided him...

In the beginning, he didn't think that was surprising. Yusuke was weird, he thought.

He was. Yusuke was strange.

In a world where nails were hammered down, Yusuke was definitely one who stood out.

So Akira told him what he thought about him – not just once. Each time, he became a little bolder and more curious, wondering how many times he could take a hammer to him before Yusuke became just like everyone else. After the third strike, after realizing that he wouldn't bend no matter what name he was called – strange, weird, perverted – Akira discarded the hammer and earnestly tried to repair his mistake even if no dents had been visibly left behind.

Because Yusuke told him 'thank you'.

Yusuke had only noticed his curiosity. He only saw someone who wanted to be near him. He didn't question why.

Though it made Akira feel ashamed to admit it, he hadn't questioned why he wanted to be near him until then, either.

Even if Yusuke had been oblivious of his feelings and intentions, Akira wanted to make it up to him. So he helped him with his art, following him into Mementos to research the desires of the heart. He visited the planetarium with him and wordlessly sat beside him, staring into the deep darkness between the stars to see if he could see what Yusuke saw. He helped him refine his painting, transforming _Desire_ into the award-winning _Desire and Hope_. He accompanied him to the exhibition and shared his feelings of accomplishment.

Before Akira knew it, he had fallen deeply in love with that strange person.

He felt more relaxed around him than he did with anyone else, but, at the same time, being next to Yusuke made him feel anxious inside. That feeling only seemed to grow stronger whenever he spent time with him. Whatever it was, it didn't feel like a bad thing, but Akira worried what was going to happen if he let that feeling continue to grow. Eventually, it was going to burst out of him... Or something.

He was kind of afraid to find out what it was. It bothered him that he couldn't put his finger on it. When he tried to think about it, he ended up wondering if it had something to do with the 'rehabilitation' Igor kept talking about. Whenever he visited the Velvet Room, he tried asking him about that, but he still hadn't gotten anything like an answer out of him. It was like Igor was waiting for him to figure it out on his own.

Like he did with just about everything else, Akira told himself that it would be alright. No matter how bad things seemed to be, they would work out eventually. That was how he'd always lived his life.

But lately...

Things felt different. When it came to Yusuke, he wanted to be more careful. For the first time, he felt like he shouldn't make decisions blindly, assuming that those decisions wouldn't lead to irreversible consequences.

On that one night, when he ran to that woman's rescue, he hadn't thought about what would happen. And when he was forced to serve his probation with Sojiro and attend Shujin Academy, he hadn't been worried about what that new life would be like. But when it came to Yusuke...

It felt like there was a new question in front of him, but...

What was it?

Since there seemed to be nothing he could do about it, he decided to not think about it. Giving it time was his only choice. He hoped that he wasn't just trusting that things would work out on their own again, but he had no way of knowing how to solve his problem if he wasn't even sure what that problem was.

As hectic as their class trip was, it wasn't enough to distract him from those kinds of thoughts. If it had to do with his rehabilitation like he suspected, then he could probably find the answer with his confidants. The twin wardens insisted that the bonds he forged with his confidants would lead him toward rehabilitation and save him from ruin – whatever that was. Thinking literally, it sounded like it had something to do with his probation, but he knew that couldn't be the case. The Velvet Room didn't seem like a place that would exist for the sake of helping one average teenager recover from a bad decision.

None of it made sense.

But the twins seemed to know what they were talking about. Even if they acted confused sometimes, especially when it came to that demanding list of theirs, they seemed certain that his bonds would make him stronger. It couldn't have been a coincidence that his Personas became stronger whenever he spent more time with them...

Each time he fused a new Persona for those two, the mysterious handwriting on their list caused them to remember something. Akira stayed quiet when he watched them struggling to understand themselves, but there was something about their struggle that felt familiar. They were gradually learning something about themselves by spending time with him. Whenever he was with Yusuke, he inched closer to understanding something about himself in the same way.

He felt like there wasn't anything left he could offer Yusuke. _Desire and Hope_ had won first place at the exhibition. He could tell that Yusuke had found the emotional strength he needed to step forward into the future and become the person he was meant to be. It was almost like he didn't need him anymore.

Akira still wanted to be around him, though, even if he didn't have anything left to offer. Part of him never expected to see another text from him, so whenever he received one, he felt grateful, like their time together was being extended beyond its expiration date.

 

On their last day in Hawaii, Ryuji sent him a text telling him to meet up with him and Mishima in the evening. He received a message from Hifumi as well, asking if he'd like to walk the beach with her.

Even though he was always waiting, Akira felt moved by that anxious feeling inside him. 

He hesitated a moment, then sent a message of his own to Yusuke.

 

Hey. Let's go out tonight.  
 **Akira, 10:01 AM**

 

He received a message back startlingly fast.

 

Ryuji already invited me out.  
 **Yusuke, 10:01 AM**

But I'm your boyfriend. You can turn him down.  
 **Akira, 10:02 AM**

Are you sure I can do that?  
 **Yusuke, 10:02 AM**

Did you already respond to him?  
 **Akira, 10:02 AM**

No.  
 **Yusuke, 10:02 AM**

Then it's fine. He just wants to go girl-hunting again.  
We can go wherever you want. You wanted to go sightseeing, didn't you?  
 **Akira, 10:03 AM**

 

He had to wait a while after that one. He figured that Yusuke was just taking his time to decide. He probably felt bad about turning Ryuji down. Akira felt kind of bad, too, but Ryuji couldn't expect him to accept _every_ invitation, especially after they'd been hanging out almost exclusively with each other for the past couple days.

 

Yes. I haven't been able to paint at all...  
 **Yusuke, 10:05 AM**

Then it's a date. I'll help you find something to paint.  
 **Akira, 10:05 AM**

You'd do that for me?  
 **Yusuke, 10:06 AM**

Way better than Babe Hunt 2.  
I'll meet you outside by the pool tonight at 6. I don't want to run into anyone we know by taking the front entrance.  
 **Akira, 10:06 AM**

Very well.  
I'm excited. Thank you, Akira.  
 **Yusuke, 10:08 AM**

You don't have to thank me. I enjoy spending time with you.  
 **Akira, 10:08 AM**

Thank you.  
 **Yusuke, 10:12 AM**

Alright. You're welcome. <3  
 **Akira, 10:12 AM**

Is that an emoji?  
 **Yusuke, 10:13 AM**

It's a heart.  
 **Akira, 10:13 AM**

Oh. <3 <3 <3  
 **Yusuke, 10:13 AM**

 

Cute...

After his plans were made, Akira realized that he still had a lot of time before they'd meet. Despite having a list of things he personally wanted to do, none of it felt accomplishable in the time he had. That probably wasn't true, but he couldn't bring himself to go out and do any of it by himself. Something about that just didn't feel right when he had friends he could be spending that time with instead.

Looking down at his phone, he considered texting Ryuji to ask if he wanted to meet up right then, but he quickly reconsidered. The conversation they'd have played out in his head. No matter how he looked at it, it wouldn't be a good idea to let him know that he planned on going out with Yusuke. Inevitably, Ryuji would question why he specifically wanted to go out alone with just Yusuke, and he didn't feel ready to explain that – especially while they were on a trip with their whole class.

So... He spent the time alone.

And he discovered that spending time on his own wasn't much better than the time he spent dealing with Ryuji and Mishima's antics.

After he got dressed, he went down to the first floor and helped himself to some of the free breakfast. He sat at one of the open tables, watching other students as they came and went. Yusuke often went people-watching by himself at the Shibuya station, but Akira had only ever done it in his company. It didn't feel as interesting when he didn't have anyone to share his observations with.

People-watching by himself was actually... kind of lonely. It made him wonder if Yusuke ever felt that way. He had reason to be observing people, though. It was for the sake of his art. But Akira didn't have anything like that. Sitting there, silently pushing his food around on his plate, feeling some kind of hole opening up... He just felt like a voyeur.

Normally, at that point, Morgana would have popped out of his bag and told him to spend his time wisely by reading a book. But he didn't have any books, and Morgana wasn't there, either.

He'd been acting kind of weird before he left...

Weirder than that was how lonely he felt when Morgana wasn't there.

It was strange, and Akira didn't know who to blame for it. Before he came to Tokyo, he'd never felt that way. He had a few friends in his class back home, but they weren't the kind of friends he spent time with after school. He was always by himself. He didn't even have any pets.

On that first day at Shujin, he met Ryuji and he ended up falling into his pace. The abuse of the volleyball team was something he just couldn't ignore. He couldn't take it easy when he knew that there were kids at his school who were suffering because of a disgusting adult. After that, there always seemed to be some wrongdoing that his conscience couldn't overlook.

Compared to his little hometown, Tokyo was different.

Or maybe it was him.

Life was probably easier when there were fewer things to worry about, but he suddenly couldn't imagine being any other way. Once he noticed the injustices in front of him, he couldn't look away. Someone had to take care of it.

On that one night when he was walking home, when he heard that woman struggling, when he ran to her and tried to help, when he got himself involved... He'd been weak.

Just thinking about it, he remembered what it was like and felt afraid. That fear came to him in retrospect with the realization of how foolish he'd been for thinking he could stand up to a man that much older than him. Even after acquiring his Persona and becoming a Phantom Thief, the memory of that night remained just as frightening.

He'd been alone.

 

Hey again. Can we meet up sooner?  
 **Akira, 11:45 AM**

 

He felt kind of pathetic.

 

Certainly. I wasn't doing anything but sketching.  
 **Yusuke, 11:46 AM**

Come get breakfast. There are people here you can draw, too.  
 **Akira, 11:46 AM**

If you're sure you won't be bored, I'll come right away.  
 **Yusuke, 11:47 AM**

I'm more bored without you here.  
 **Akira, 11:47 AM**

What kind words.  
Save a seat for me. I'll be right there.  
 **Yusuke, 11:49 AM**

 

That wasn't the first time he'd heard Yusuke say that. Akira felt like he was saying what was obvious, but Yusuke treated that like something worthy of appreciation. It made him wonder how lonely Yusuke used to be if it made him happy to know that someone was bored without him around.

“Who am I to talk,” Akira muttered to himself, staring at their chat log. He clutched his phone and held it to his forehead, closing his eyes.

He would've been just as happy if Yusuke had said the same thing to him.

 

Thankfully, it didn't take long for Yusuke to arrive. Before he could sit down, Akira made sure that he got himself some food first. If he didn't stop him, he knew that Yusuke would open his sketchbook and wouldn't let go of his pencil for anything.

He returned with a mountain of food. It was supposed to be free, but Akira imagined that the hotel would frown upon him taking _that_ much. Like a lot of the things Yusuke did, it was kind of embarrassing, but Akira couldn't hold it against him when he understood his situation. He was always saving his money for art supplies, rarely spending it on necessities like food. When he didn't have a lot of money to start with, it was either one thing or the other. Akira thought that one of those things should've been an obvious priority over the other, but Yusuke wasn't like other people. To him, his art was just as important as living.

“You know... I make a pretty fair amount by selling off the random things I find in Palaces. A lot of it's just junk, but it really adds up. Everybody trusts me with that money since I'm the leader, but I feel bad sitting on it. I don't need that much money for anything. It more than covers equipment costs, so...”

Yusuke looked up from his food, fork raised halfway to his mouth. With a somewhat confused look, he set it down on his plate.

“What's this about?”

That whole train of thought must have sounded unexpected since he'd failed to share what he'd been thinking about. “Sorry, it was just something that was on my mind. It... makes me happy to see you eating. But I know how it usually is for you. So I thought I could give you some of that money to help you buy food.”

Yusuke was disconcertingly quiet. It made Akira worry that he'd said something wrong or overstepped his bounds. If he and Yusuke were together, then it seemed like something like that should be his business, too. He was just concerned about him. And it would've been bad for the group if anything happened to him.

Akira rubbed the back of his neck. “...What's wrong?”

Staring down at his plate, Yusuke picked up his fork and began awkwardly pushing some things around. “I'm sorry, Akira. I can't accept money for something like that. That money is supposed to be for the group.”

He forked a tomato and put it in his mouth and looked away with a sad face.

...That shouldn't have been so endearing. It was criminal.

“What are you talking about?” Akira said. “You're a _part_ of the group. It's not like I'm suggesting that I'll buy you something frivolous that you don't need, like a new TV or a video game system.”

“That's why, though,” Yusuke said. He put his hands on the table and refused to look up. “It's shameful... having to accept money for something necessary like that...”

For a moment or two, Akira had to pause to think about what Yusuke said. That wasn't a feeling he could easily relate to. He'd never been in the position where he needed to worry about money, nor had he ever needed to seek assistance. It was always just there for him. Even though it seemed to Akira like something Yusuke should have accepted without hesitance, it was easier to understand how it could be embarrassing when he looked at it from his perspective.

There was a way he could help without making him too embarrassed, he thought.

“Your school has a cafeteria, doesn't it? I can buy you a lunch card. I only have to pay for it once, then you'll be able to have lunch every day at school.”

Yusuke didn't look terribly convinced. His brows came together, uncertain.

Buying him a lunch card was even better than giving him money, seeing as how he couldn't use it to buy supplies instead.

“I thought that was a good idea. What's wrong with it?” he asked.

Yusuke looked down and away. Although he pouted and gave a dramatic disappointed sigh, there was a bit of curious redness in his cheeks. “...I prefer your handmade lunches and your curry.”

Ah. So that was it.

“I'm flattered, Yusuke – but I can't make that for you every day.” He really was flattered. He hadn't been exaggerating when he said that it made him happy to see Yusuke eating. Whenever he saw him smile with the first spoonful of curry, Akira felt a great sense of accomplishment. Even he would've been disappointed if he stopped making it for him. “Will you accept the lunch card if I promise to still make curry and bentos for you occasionally?”

Yusuke's face lit up. Akira imagined his tail wagging. It looked like he was able to strike a deal that satisfied him, after all.

As long as Yusuke was happy, he was happy, too. When it came down to it, his feelings weren't more complicated than Yusuke's.

“So, where will we go?” Yusuke asked. For the moment, he set aside his half-finished plate and picked up his sketchbook. Akira didn't have any doubt that he'd finish the food he took. Food tended to mysteriously disappear around that thin boy.

Akira stopped staring at his waist and looked up to find Yusuke staring back at him expectantly. “Dunno,” he said. “I didn't think about it yet. I had some other stuff on my mind.”

Quickly, Yusuke took his eyes away and looked at some of the people around them instead, putting his pencil to the page. “Ah. No worries. I needn't be your primary focus.”

Akira sighed. “It's not like that. I was just-...”

Just what, exactly?

If he couldn't explain it to himself, then he couldn't expect anyone else to understand. Despite being out of touch about certain things a person of his age should have been more familiar with, there were other things that Yusuke was especially adept at understanding, but Akira even doubted how helpful he would be. He didn't know where to start.

“It... wouldn't happen to have something to do with me, would it?” Yusuke asked.

“No, it-...”

He couldn't say for sure whether it did or not. That uncomfortable anxious feeling appeared most often when he was around Yusuke – but it wasn't only Yusuke. Being around Ryuji and Mishima, Ann and Makoto... Spending time with them, learning more about who they were, helping them through the things that held them back so that they could confidently move forward along their chosen paths...

Yusuke happened to be the one he was closest to, but the story was always similar, no matter who he was with.

He made a vow with Arsene because he wanted to escape from the past that ensnared him, but he didn't know where he was escaping to. He didn't know what it meant to be rehabilitated. He didn't know what it meant to be a trickster. All of those things Igor told him only made him more confused. Their Personas were supposed to be the embodiment of their true inner selves, but he had so many Personas within himself, he couldn't say which one was supposed to be him.

Maybe they were all him... But that didn't make sense, either.

Why was he the only one with more than one mask?

How was he supposed to explain any of that to Yusuke?

“Sorry,” he said. Hearing the defeat in his own voice made him feel even more pathetic, but he tried to smile anyway. “I think I'm just a little exhausted from this trip. You shouldn't worry. Being around you does nothing but help me.”

A look of deep concern crossed Yusuke's face. His sketching had been forgotten, the tip of his pencil held at a halt on the page. “Perhaps. I can tell that you aren't acting like yourself. If you'd rather rest for today instead-”

“ _No_ ,” Akira said a little very too quickly. “I mean-... It's fine. I was looking forward to this.”

Finally, after once again insisting that being there with him was the thing he wanted, it seemed that Yusuke was able to read the mood. The tip of his pencil skidded nervously across the page, leaving a conspicuous line straight across. It was like his thoughts blanked out. Akira could see it all playing out on his face; the confusion, realization, and surprise.

It shouldn't have been so surprising, but his reactions were always cute.

Or were they strange...?

Maybe.

No, definitely. They'd been together for a while, so it was only natural for him to want to spend time with Yusuke. That shouldn't have surprised him. It was weird that Yusuke would still be so flustered to hear him say it.

At some point, somewhere between the moment when he first grasped Yusuke's hand and helped him stand to face Madarame and the moment at present, his understanding of what was strange had changed. His curiosity never ceased. Yusuke was unabashedly, obliviously himself. And that was utterly fascinating.

Akira found a person who was living in his own world. The more time he spent with him there, the more his world began to resemble that of Yusuke's.

That undefined, anxious feeling seemed to dissipate a little when he thought about it that way.

“Sunset's at seven o'clock,” he said, smiling at Yusuke's flustered face.

“S-Sunset...” Yusuke lifted his sketchbook and used it to try to hide his blushing face, peeking timidly above it. “...Sunsets are a tad cliché, don't you think? I've already painted a few. I'm not sure what I could do to make such a tired subject feel new-” He stopped abruptly and slowly lowered his sketchbook back down to the table, a smile forming on his face. “Or, perhaps... Never mind. I have an idea.”

That was good to hear. It was always a relief when Yusuke was agreeable. Sometimes Akira struggled to think like him. He thought that all sunsets were supposed to be beautiful, but he should've known that Yusuke had a critical eye even when it came to things that were regarded as universally beautiful.

Yusuke wanted to reach a broad audience, but he wanted to show them things they'd never seen before. Although he was still learning how to look at art, Akira understood what a difficult endeavor that had to be for an artist.

If he was agreeing to paint a sunset, then that meant he must have already noticed a way he could paint it in a new way. After seeing the way he'd cleverly interpreted Mementos in his paintings, Akira was curious to see what he could do with a sight as familiar as the evening sky.

“I'll feel satisfied if I'm able to return home with a piece I can be proud of. I'd like to bring back something I can display in the Kosei painting studio to share as a memento of my time in another place. I'm always accused of being too self-centered, especially when it comes to the works I produce. It would be nice to paint the sights reflected in another's eyes for a change.” His smile became a little mysterious as he paused to consider something. “I suppose that thought may be self-centered in its own way, but it's impossible to separate yourself from yourself. That's an important thing to always keep in mind, I think.”

Akira squinted, trying to figure out what he was talking about. It must have had to do with the idea for his painting.

“So what you're saying is... Everything you do for someone else is ultimately done for yourself? Something like that?”

Yusuke nodded. “Yes. Something like that. Wanting to paint things that appeal to other people is ultimately a self-serving desire. The same could be said for just about anything. It doesn't have to be painting. This time, I think I'll keep that thought at the front of my mind as I hold my brush. That ought to help me paint something that deserves to be seen by others.”

Akira couldn't help but notice Yusuke's sketchbook on the table, open to a page filled with rough sketches of his own face. That thick pencil line that Yusuke scratched into the page when he was surprised was there, too. It went straight through each picture of him, as if crossing him out. It was kind of unsettling.

“Hey.” Reaching across the table, Akira tapped a finger on the page. “Even though I got you to come here by telling you that you could draw the people here, you ended up drawing me?”

“Do you not want me to draw you?” he asked.

It was an innocently-asked question with a totally apparent lack of self-awareness. Akira didn't have it in him to get annoyed at him for saying things like that. He just corrected him gently. “That's not it. It's just... Those pictures of me – I look kind of grumpy, don't I? Is that what I looked like while I was thinking to myself? I don't know why you would want to draw such unpleasant expressions. I mean, I know I'm talking about myself here, but that's why I can say it. D-don't let anybody see that. Those faces aren't worth looking at.”

Yusuke stared at his sketches with a critical, discerning eye and nodded solemnly. “You're right,” he said.

Akira really didn't have it in him to get annoyed when he said things like that, but... Sometimes, it was hard. “H-hey. I'm allowed to say it, but I don't know how I feel about you agreeing with me...”

Taking the sketchbook back, Yusuke looked at the page for a little longer before flipping it to the next clean page. “Don't worry,” he said, tilting his chin up, looking at him with clear eyes filled with the sparkling gleam of an artist's determination. “I'm going to paint something much better at sunset.”

“You aren't making it better by saying that... We're talking about my face here,” Akira said, words punctuated with an exhausted sigh.

Brows coming together in a confused yet somewhat amused look, Yusuke tilted his head, holding a hand to his chin. “Hm? Yes. It's precisely _because_ we're talking about your face.”

Akira didn't understand. Once again, he was back at square one with him. But that was alright. For some reason, he got the feeling that Yusuke was being intentionally confusing. He probably wanted to surprise him with his painting. Akira knew that if he tried to ask him outright, Yusuke wouldn't tell him what it was going to be, so, if he wanted to figure him out, he just had to be patient.

“Well. We still have a long time before sunset,” Akira said, resting back in his chair. He watched as some more people left the area. Breakfast was almost over, so there weren't as many people around as there were when Yusuke arrived. “What do you want to do until-”

“I'm still not done eating!” Yusuke said, hastily standing from his chair.

There was still half a plate of food in front of him, but Akira wasn't going to stop him from going up for seconds.

Putting his cheek in his palm, he just watched with amusement as Yusuke grabbed a second plate.

 

The rest of their time before sunset was spent similarly to how it would've been spent if they were at home. The table they were sitting at was comfortable, so they stayed there for a while longer as Yusuke worked his way through his plate and a half of food. When he was finished, he earnestly returned to his sketching, but not once did his eyes leave Akira's face. His sketchbook was held at an angle, so Akira couldn't always see what he was drawing, but he had no doubt that he was making more pictures of him.

He didn't know why. He'd already told Yusuke that his glum face wasn't worth wasting his pencil on.

...It stung his heart.

It was a familiar feeling, but it wasn't the same as that anxious feeling he was trying to hide from. He liked knowing that Yusuke wanted to draw him. After all, he was normally so particular about what he chose to draw.

It made him remember something that Yusuke told him while he was working on his piece for the exhibition.

The heart of man was beautiful, he said. With all of its emotion – powerful and mundane, pure and twisted – it was beautiful. That was where Yusuke ultimately found his inspiration, by acknowledging the heart's inherent ugliness. When he listened to him speak about it so passionately, it almost made Akira want to tell him he was wrong. Because Yusuke was so beautiful. There was a purity in him he'd never seen anywhere else, so, even knowing how far Yusuke had come, it was hard to believe that he'd ever been anything but beautiful in the purest way.

Next to him, he was just a dark, muddy color.

And yet, Yusuke chose to draw him...

He wanted to thank him for that. Even though he hoped that Yusuke would never show those pictures to anyone else, it made him happy that his unpleasantness didn't bother him. He was glad that Yusuke was someone strange. Those carefully drawn pictures proved something valuable to him: When he was with Yusuke, he didn't need to conform to anyone's expectations, even his own.

As he watched Yusuke close his sketchbook, the realization came to him.

The feelings he was desperately trying to avoid were his expectations. Spending time with Yusuke in his world had opened his eyes.

Akira wanted to ask him.

If Yusuke's brush could capture something as abstract as the shape of the heart, then he wanted to know what he looked like through Yusuke's eyes. There probably wasn't any way for him to ask without first becoming just as strange as he was, but that was a sacrifice he was willing to make. If it gave him the ability to identify which mask belonged to him, then that was all that he cared about.

He wandered through the remaining hours by Yusuke's side, trying to come up with the words he needed to express his thoughts. Everything sounded conceited in his head, though.

Whenever he looked at Yusuke and found him enjoying himself, he couldn't say anything, fearing that he'd break the moment by speaking clumsily. It was ironic, considering how often Yusuke seemed to say things without thinking. Just, with his adjusted expectations of Yusuke, those things stopped being surprising. He started loving his eccentricity.

So it was sad that he worried so much about what Yusuke would think if he didn't choose his words carefully.

It was just like what Yusuke said.

Akira didn't want him to think badly of him. He didn't want him to suddenly notice his weakness. He already knew that it wouldn't matter to Yusuke, but those were his expectations of himself.

No matter what, everything he did was always for himself. It was sad when he put it in those terms, but knowing that Yusuke also struggled with that truth helped to ease its weight.

If being with Yusuke and helping him was just his means to understand himself, then Akira wanted to hurry up and figure out who he was so he could be there for Yusuke without having to think about it.

 

He felt like he was close. He was on the edge. One more step was hopefully all it would take.

The anxiousness swelled up and made him want to shout in frustration. Even if it made other people look at him strangely, he wanted to do it, too. Doing something unexpected felt like the only way to escape from his expectations. But, if he really did that, a second later, he knew that he'd be right back where he started, embarrassed, weighed down by himself.

There was something he needed to hear.

 

He and Yusuke spent some time around the pool, just watching other people. Since he didn't feel like getting wet, it wasn't a bad time, sitting there, watching kids from their schools and other people in the poolside atmosphere.

Yusuke was still carrying around his sketchbook under his arm, but he took it out occasionally to quickly sketch whatever caught his eye. Even though they weren't in the water themselves, Yusuke said he appreciated the experience. Akira didn't even have to ask what he meant. The sun shining too brightly, the indistinct sound of blended voices from all around them, the sweet smell of fresh juice from the bar behind them mixing with the summery smell of chlorine... It was an atmosphere he wasn't going to find in the underground walkway at the Shibuya station where he usually did his people-watching.

Akira bought him some juice and sat by his side at the pool's edge, staving off brain freeze as he ate a snow cone.

Thankfully, they didn't run into anyone from their usual group.

And, thankfully, once he was wrapped up in a comfortable moment, he was able to forget about the things that were bothering him.

 

Before they knew it, it was already close to sunset. Somehow, they managed to waste away all that time by wandering around the hotel, checking out all the places they hadn't visited yet. They were allowed to go out as long as they didn't leave the specified area, but the two of them ended up staying at the hotel like good boys.

Well. The time wasn't necessarily a waste. A true waste would've been if all that time had been spent alone. Akira would've hated it if he had to return to Tokyo with the memory of his final day in Hawaii being spent pathetically by his lonesome. Even if he went out and did all the things he planned to do, it would've meant nothing without someone by his side. The fact that he was able to enjoy the warm Hawaiian breeze with Yusuke made that time feel especially well-spent.

 

Before heading to the beach, Yusuke said that he needed to stop back at his room for a minute to get something. Akira went inside his room with him, but the only thing interesting about it was that it wasn't particularly interesting. Like the rest of them, Yusuke had to share the room with another student, but apparently they weren't friends. He said that they didn't even speak to each other. What he probably meant was that the other boy didn't speak to him. Hearing about that made Akira wish he could swap room partners with him... even if that did feel a little unfair to Mishima.

The other boy had a bunch of souvenirs stacked on the dresser, taking up all the space on top. That was pretty rude. Yusuke didn't say anything about it, though. He probably didn't care. His side of the room was spartan. At a glance, it wouldn't have been unreasonable to assume that there was only one person occupying the room.

He had his things modestly packed in one suitcase, but he also had one large case with him... Like a tackle box – probably full of his paint and other art supplies. And, more notably, he had a whole easel standing up by the window and there were three blank canvases of ranging sizes propped against the wall next to it.

Yusuke picked up one of them and held it up, contemplating its size. He put it back down and chose the intermediate size instead. Still, it was kind of big.

“The easel, too...?” Akira asked hesitantly. He was already imagining them walking through the lobby with their arms full of Yusuke's supplies.

“Oh! Yes. The easel, too.”

Had he forgotten about the easel...? It was a good thing he was there to help Yusuke remember everything – even the obvious things, apparently. It was also good that he was there to help him carry it. There was no way Yusuke would've been able to manage carrying an easel, a canvas, and all of his supplies to the beach.

...Though, knowing Yusuke, he probably would've found a way.

“Anyway-” Akira stared, watching as Yusuke attempted to lift all of his supplies by himself. He probably did that all the time at Kosei, but it was an embarrassing sight to behold, watching as he tried to hold both his easel and canvas under one arm while holding his large paint kit with his other hand. He wasn't going to make it to the beach that way. “Give me some of that. That's ridiculous.”

Akira could tell that Yusuke was about to protest, so he took some of it from him before he could even attempt to dissuade him. After reading all those books about what made a charming man, he knew that it was his obligation as Yusuke's boyfriend to carry the heaviest things for him.

...And _damn_ was it heavy.

His box of paints felt like it weighed a million pounds. No number of pull-ups could have prepared him for something so unexpectedly heavy. Looking at Yusuke, it didn't even make sense how such a frail-looking boy could hoist all of that by himself, much less carry it around _every day_ at school, but... Maybe that was why he was able to wield such large weapons with ease.

“Y-you must be even stronger than I thought,” Akira said, huffing as he lifted up the box and put the easel under his arm. “With a better diet, you'd probably be a beast.”

Yusuke delicately brushed his hair away from his face, looking troubled by the thought of such. “I'm not especially concerned with my looks, but I do have an aesthetic I try to project. I'm afraid that bulky muscles would look unsightly on me.”

What was he imagining...? No matter how much Yusuke worked out, he would probably never have an athlete's body, so he didn't need to worry about that.

“You don't have to go that far,” Akira said, shaking his head. “I'm just suggesting that you eat more meat.”

“Meat...”

He could see it in Yusuke's eyes; the look of a hungering man deprived of precious meat. He was practically drooling.

Akira kept shaking his head. “I'll add more meat to the curry for you.”

“Akira. I love you.”

“Don't tell me you love me over weird stuff like that.”

“I love you.”

“Okay, okay. Now let's go. My arms are dying.”

 

By the time they were back outside the hotel, the sun was already on its way toward the horizon. Akira did his best not to complain about the weight of the things he was carrying as they made their way to the beach. Once again, Akira prayed that they weren't going to run into Ryuji or anyone they knew. He was hoping that he and Yusuke could have that moment alone with each other, and he was also kind of hoping that he would finally be able to find a way to say what was bothering him.

It was a shame, that feeling. It returned at the worst times.

While he was walking next to Yusuke down the path toward the beach, passing by students and strangers, he stole a glance at Yusuke's profile in the twilight glow. If he were the painter, that was, without a doubt, a sight he would have deemed worthy of putting to the canvas. Yusuke was always beautiful – a nearly unanimously agreed-upon fact – but there was something about the way he looked when he didn't think anyone was looking at him. Akira didn't know how to describe his expression other than 'beautiful'.

He was probably thinking about something weird, though. But that kind of made it even better.

If Akira hadn't been carrying anything, he would have liked to take his hand. He heard that people in America didn't pay as much mind to that sort of thing.

It bothered him that such a worry existed in his mind, though, even if it were a reasonable concern. Yusuke was so beautiful, anyone would have naturally wanted to hold his hand, yet his worries about expectations fell back on himself and he felt ashamed for feeling ashamed at all.

He was supposed to be a rebel, but there he was, worrying about what it would mean if he seized the hand that rightly belonged in his own.

He wanted to steal that moment and preserve it forever, painting over the shameful feelings that marred its perfection. If he spoke then, using those exact words, he wondered if Yusuke would've known what he meant.

Nothing made it past his lips. Like always, he was quiet.

It was funny. There were a lot of people who thought he was some kind of delinquent because of how quiet he was, but if only they knew the kinds of things on his mind... They wouldn't have found him scary anymore. He was just sad.

 

When his feet hit the sand, Akira was relieved to finally put down the things he was carrying. His arms felt weak and wobbly after that. If Morgana had been there, he was sure he would've been commenting positively about how carrying Yusuke's heavy supplies had improved his kindness or... his guts or something. Or maybe it was his proficiency. Yusuke was pretty efficient if he was able to regularly haul all of that around.

Wandering a little, he wobbled and sat down in the sand, waving around his tired arms to put the circulation back into them. “Artists really are impressive people. There's a lot more to it than meets the eye, isn't there?”

“In many ways, yes,” Yusuke agreed. “Due to my own proclivities, I tend to regard it as an internal effort, but there is a very physical aspect to it as well. It's bothersome, having to carry everything with me, but I don't think about it anymore because it's all necessary. I can't transform the things inside of me without a brush.”

Coming nearer, Yusuke set down his canvas and retrieved the easel that Akira had dropped in the sand and began setting it up. Akira stayed where he was and watched him as he adjusted it to his standing height. Once Yusuke was done securing the length of its legs, he stood back and looked out at the sun above the waves.

They'd made it just in time. The sun was just above the water, turning the waves a startlingly deep red. Within minutes, it would probably already be sinking beneath the horizon, changing colors with each second. Yusuke was going to have to work quickly if he wanted to accurately capture the sight.

They were mostly alone in the place they arrived at. There were a few couples walking down the beach and Yusuke narrowed his eyes at them whenever someone walked in front of his easel. Akira was still curious which part of the sunset Yusuke was going to paint. He said it would be something unique, but, looking at it himself, Akira couldn't tell how that sunset differed from any of the ones he'd seen before.

He needed help adjusting his lenses.

If there were a way to see the world differently, he hoped that Yusuke could show him, through his painting or whatever other means he possessed.

For someone like him, who was only able to express his thoughts in exhausted, ordinary ways, there seemed to be no alternative.

“...What if you didn't know how to paint?” Akira asked, crossing his arms over his bent knees. “How would you go about expressing yourself?”

Yusuke picked up his canvas and placed it on the easel. It was facing toward the water, but he seemed to be more interested in examining the other things around him. He didn't seem to be done looking yet, but he stopped for a moment, hands at his sides, thinking about the question.

“I don't know,” he said, lightly shaking his head. “It feels a little unsettling to even think about what it would be like if I didn't have art, but I suppose it would also be a pointless thing for me to even think about. This is what I have. As you've seen, art has its limitations. There is no perfect expression, but, even so, I make due with those limitations by exploring their boundaries.”

So it wasn't perfect...

But still.

“The truth is... I think I'm jealous of you, Yusuke.”

It was about more than being able to say what he needed to say. That feeling he had around Yusuke and the others was a painfully selfish feeling. Even if those words sounded misleading, there was undeniable truth in that admission.

“Of me?” Yusuke asked. He looked surprised but smiled a little as he knelt to open his paint kit. “Do you wish you could paint?”

Akira laughed. Just once. “Not a bad thought, but not really what I was thinking. Being around you and Ryuji and Ann and Makoto – even Mishima... I realized that everyone has their own thing. You all have something you're aiming for, but me-... I don't have anything like that. I don't have something that defines who I am.”

“Is that what was bothering you?”

When Akira made himself look up, he found Yusuke looking at him earnestly. He wanted to tell him to look at the sunset instead. It was embarrassing. There wasn't anything for him to see there.

“High school is supposed to be the time when we figure out who we are and where we're going, but I honestly have no idea. So you're right. Maybe I do wish I could paint... I wish I had half the passion that you all have. I say that I want to help people, but I think I might just be spending time with other people to arrogantly make myself feel needed. I don't have an identity of my own, so I'm building one from the people I surround myself with. There isn't a single friendship I've made since I transferred that hasn't been for my own benefit.”

“Is that bad?”

The way Yusuke was looking at him, it was like he thought he said the most obvious thing.

Akira couldn't wrap his head around it, though. He knew that he was probably just overthinking things, but it didn't feel like anything would get better if he didn't puzzle out what was bothering him. That seemingly simple question he had about himself was the kind of problem that would expand to a troubling proportion if he let it go.

“I told you, didn't I, Akira?” Yusuke set down the things he needed, then returned and crouched in front of him. “I try as hard as I can to paint things that other people will enjoy, but I'm doing it because I enjoy it. Why else would I do it? Every good relationship is give-and-take. It's simply the way of things. Whenever you give me your time, I also feel selfish. Your time is the part I take for myself, so if you find something valuable in spending that time on me, then I'm glad. That's all I can ask for, and that's where the thought ends for me.”

It didn't feel that simple. It was more than that.

And it was awfully embarrassing, trying to talk about it. At least Yusuke was taking him seriously. At least Yusuke was the kind of person who could unravel the intricacies of tricky words.

Akira put his forehead to his knees and sighed. “I don't know if that changes anything. I still don't know who I'm supposed to be.”

“You've already shown me who you are.”

“Sorry. I don't get it.” That was why he'd been wishing he could see from Yusuke's eyes, to find out what he looked like from another's perspective.

“I'm jealous of you, too, Akira. Painting... isn't easy. There are a lot of times when it's been very painful, when I've had to work past unpleasant memories, times when I've lost my motivation... I'm always wondering if it's worth it. In one moment, I can be proud of myself, then easily lose that feeling in the following second. It'll be hard to make a name for myself, and, even if I manage to sell well, I'm afraid of becoming disenchanted again and losing my passion for this thing I love. The future doesn't look clear to me, either.”

“The grass isn't greener, huh?” He should've figured as much. He already felt rude for saying that he was jealous when he knew how hard it could be.

“You aren't bound to anything. I may have art, but I feel like art is all I have. At this point in my life, I have no choice but to continue pursuing this path regardless of whatever obstacles I run up against along the way. Even so... Art isn't who I am. I'm just the one who holds the brush.” Yusuke stood back up and looked down at him. “With that thought in mind, when you look again at the friendships you've made, who do you think you are?”

How was he supposed to know?

Yusuke said he wasn't bound to anything. Akira couldn't say he was wrong about that. He was looking for something to grasp on to.

“I'm not my friends. I just want to help people...”

 

So then...

...Was it really that simple?

Ah.

Arsene really would have laughed at him for not noticing something so obvious.

 

Yusuke wasn't his art. His art was him.

He wasn't his friends.

They were-...

 

“Isn't that the most conceited way of looking at it? Isn't that the most self-centered thing?” Akira asked, feeling half-hysterical with the realization. It made him want to laugh.

“That may be how it sounds, but there isn't a single one of us who wouldn't thank you for the way you persistently imposed yourself on us. Had you listened to me and left me alone, I don't know where I would be now. If it weren't for that thing you call selfishness, I would probably still be living in a lonely little corner of that shack, covering my eyes. The 'hope' in my painting wouldn't have been born without you.”

So that was what it meant...

'Rehabilitation'.

Perhaps his true self didn't exist anywhere. He was just a stray cat who would wave his tail for anyone who gave him their smile. He'd have a different name with every owner. In truth, if he really wanted, he could have settled down anywhere. It wasn't luck of the draw that kept him from being an artist or a model or a track star. He was the one who refused to let a collar be placed around his neck.

Compared to the others, his path was a dirt road. Every branch led to a dead end, but there was a treasure at the end of each one in the form of a 'thank you'. So, no matter how many times he met a wall, as long as he turned around and kept going, he would find his way forward once more, clutching the precious memory of someone's grateful smile in his pocket.

 

That was what it meant.

 

Someday soon, he was going to break away from his chains to proudly show them the reflection of his path.

 

Akira laughed, though his shoulders trembled a little.

It felt like a weight even heavier than Yusuke's supplies had been lifted off his shoulders. It was too much. It was funny in how ironic it was. If he hadn't helped Yusuke, Yusuke wouldn't have been there to help him. It was hard to still call himself selfish when he knew that Yusuke was just as glad to return the help he'd been given.

Even if meant getting himself involved in other people's problems, he had a sense of justice he absolutely couldn't betray. Right in front of him, he saw the fruits it bore. It may have been for himself, but it was also what was right.

Yusuke was still staring at him... Quite intensely, at that.

Akira rubbed the back of a hand over his eyes and looked away, telling himself that those weren't tears in his eyes. “We don't have forever, you know. The sun sets quickly.”

With a resolute nod, Yusuke rose to his feet and grabbed the palette he left on top of his paint kit and took the brush from the easel's edge. “No worries. I've found it.” He held his brush up in front of himself, looking down at him with a look of concentration.

“I already told you – my miserable face isn't worth drawing, so you can stop staring at me... Don't you remember all those sketches? The ones you accidentally drew a line through.”

“Accidentally...?” Yusuke slowly lowered his brush. “You must have been mistaken. I rejected those sketches and crossed them out the moment I glimpsed the inspiration for my piece.”

“But... I thought you were going to paint the sunset?”

“Indeed, I am. As a self portrait.”

“A self portrait...”

With a fond expression, Yusuke closed his eyes and explained. “When you looked at me, for a moment, I felt like I was able to see myself reflected in your eyes. Rather than looking to the horizon to paint the same boring sight that's been painted a thousand times, I want to capture the moment before me the way that I see it, the way that you see it.”

It took a moment before Akira felt like he'd really heard what he said. When it all registered, it felt overwhelming. Something tightened in his chest and he clenched his teeth, trying to keep his emotions in check.

He was touched.

“What the hell?” he laughed. “That's...”

A few tears escaped before a smile widened across his face.

It was a great idea. He was already curious to see how it would turn out. He'd wanted to know what he looked like to Yusuke, so it seemed like such a painting would be the answer. However, with that same kind of thought in mind, he felt like he didn't need to look much farther than the smile on Yusuke's face to find out everything he wanted to know.

At that moment, he was the person capable of making Yusuke smile so sincerely.

Not wanting to waste a single more second of the sunset, Yusuke returned to his canvas and took out a pencil. “Hold that face for me,” he said.

“Sure.”

There were tears on his face. It was pretty embarrassing, but Akira wasn't going to shy away, anxious to see how Yusuke would transform them with his brush.

He sketched his face quickly upon the canvas, then went searching through his paints, choosing the ones that matched the glowing evening light as it appeared on his cheeks. Though Akira had done a lot to help him in his artistic pursuits, he'd never actually gotten a chance to watch him paint. It was incredible. He knew enough about painting to know that what Yusuke was working on was just a draft; he would probably finish the whole thing once he returned to the studio back home.

Still, it took Akira's breath away, watching as the colors covered the sketch of him underneath, adding up, coming together to make his image radiate with the same warmth as the sunset.

“There.”

Yusuke's furious brushwork finally came to a stop. The painting wasn't near complete, but it had taken shape. Although it all occurred right in front of Akira's eyes, it felt like the image had appeared as if by magic.

Yusuke stood back to appraise his work, dragging the back of his arm over his brow, exhausted. When he turned around to look at him, he stopped, acquiring the same sort of look that Akira had seen on his face earlier that day, the same look that made him reject those miserable sketches. Something must have inspired him.

“I suppose... that will just have to wait,” Yusuke said.

His vagueness made Akira feel curious.

“Huh?”

“Next time, I'd like to paint your smile,” Yusuke explained. “More accurately, the feeling it inspires in me.”

Oh.

He was smiling. He hadn't even realized.

While Yusuke was painting, he did his best to hold that one face for him. When he was finished, he relaxed without thinking about it. Seeing the results of Yusuke's hard work, it felt impossible not to smile.

“Why do you need to paint it? I'll let you see it whenever you want.”

“I want to share it, if that's alright. Just as my mother filled the _Sayuri_ with her love...”

If Yusuke kept saying such romantic things with such a straight face, he was going to give Akira a heart attack eventually. The least he deserved was a warning. His honest, straightforward words left Akira's chest aching, his heart fit to burst with emotion ready to spill over. “I made you too powerful...” he muttered, clutching his chest. “I helped you learn more about the heart and now you're out to devour mine, aren't you? Wasn't it enough, stealing it?”

He had no right to look so surprised, either.

Rather than saying anything, Yusuke came closer and put his arms around him, stepping over the boundaries he would have normally shied away from. His thin body disappeared in Akira's arms, but his arms wrapped around him tightly, transferring his warmth. Ignoring their surroundings, Akira put his arms around Yusuke's waist and held him back, paying special attention to the feeling of him, trying to remember it for the road.

Eventually, he'd let go of him. He'd step away, turn around, and begin walking a different path.

That seemed to be an intrinsic part of him, whoever he was.

As long as he remembered that feeling, though, he felt like he'd always be able to find his way back to that moment, to that warmth, to wherever Yusuke was waiting.

Yusuke slowly parted from him, but he kept his hands there on Akira's shoulders, looking at him with gentle eyes. “Is a thief ever satisfied?” he asked.

Akira shook his head and grinned proudly.

“No. Never.”

**Author's Note:**

> As everyone was preparing to go home, Akira carefully dodged all of Mishima and Ryuji's questions about where he went.
> 
> Yusuke was mildly offended that nobody cared to ask him the same thing. (He probably would have told them.)


End file.
